Dear Ann Landers: I'm a gay man who reads your column regularly. Now I need your advice. "Tom" and I are in our 30s and have been partners for six years. "Janet," Tom's sister, has invited me to her wedding. Tom's mother, however, sees this as strictly a family event and has told Tom that she would rather I not attend.
I have always gotten along well with Tom's family, including his mother, so I am somewhat baffled by this. I suspect she is uncomfortable about explaining me to her family and friends. I am clearly not part of the picture she had planned on for this occasion.
Tom has told his mother her position is unreasonable, selfish and hurtful. He has assured her that we will be discreet and anyone who does not know us will assume that I am just another guy at the wedding. The rest of Tom's family agrees with us. Tom's mother, however, insists that her wishes be respected and thinks the family has turned against her. She doesn't realize that she is causing lasting damage to her relationship with Tom, which until now has been very good.
I would love to attend the wedding and be a part of the celebration, but since his mother has made it known that she doesn't want me there, I'm not sure I should go. I really don't want to make her miserable on such an important day. I need your advice. GAY SON'S PARTNER IN MARYLAND
Dear Maryland: You have been invited to this wedding by the bride. This is HER day, and her wishes should prevail. By all means, go and be sure to ask Tom's mother to dance. ANN LANDERS
Gabby’s Response:
Hi Maryland: What comes to mind is something L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology-Dianetics) said. I'll paraphrase: Whenever you see a conflict between two, look for the third party pretending to be an ally, who is in fact intending it, for whatever reason. In your case you have two "third" parties. It's obvious Tom and his mother have an incomplete and that they are using you to bring about resolution. What Tom should have said is, "Mother, you tell him that you'd rather he not attend."
Mother is already playing a "miserable" adversarial game in which there is little joy. Her position, the nonverbal ultimatum by which she lives, either you support my prejudice or I'll force you to issue an ultimatum, and then I'll say you are picking on me, is a setup, on her part, to get caught.
My sense is that both Tom and his mother have been doing their "very good" relationship act. Underneath it all we now see that she was neither happy, nor proud, nor supportive of your relationship, of you being/becoming a member of the family.
Re: "Tom has told his mother her position is unreasonable, selfish and hurtful." While this may be true the communication was abusive. It was a judgmental make-wrong. It didn't feel good to hear. What works is to communicate from one's experience rather than from the mind. Tom's experience was upset, uncomfortableness, and anger. Had Tom communicated from his experience instead of his mind she could have gotten it, "I'm having an upset. I'm uncomfortable and I'm angry. Your decision doesn't feel good." Period. Notice that it doesn't make her wrong. It's simply the truth.
Tom's sister also is an instigator, seemingly your ally, sitting in the background unwilling to verbally take a stand. Given the results she has produced with her leadership-communication skills (turning others against others), her's is not a healthy communication model for a marriage. She should have handled this with her mother before inviting (hurting) you. At some level her ulterior motive (that which is hidden even from her) is to have everyone experiencing loving each other.
Now lets look at your cause in this matter. What's also true is that you are using that family to complete some issue for yourself. My thoughts are you'll rue the day you didn't say, "Tom, give me a call when your family can communicate to me that they absolutely support our relationship and that they are willing to work through whatever comes up for them."
Gay Son's Partner, until you are willing to not have a relationship you will be cause for these addictive, adversarial kinds of frictions.
Why you would want to attend a social intimate event, ostensibly to celebrate a loving relationship, in which there's a remote possibility of being on the receiving end of a stink-eye suggests that you might be addicted to drama, even abuse.
My thought is that Janet could discuss with Mom an alternative, a private ceremony, so that she can invite all her friends who wish to celebrate her wedding. Mom could then inform family members before inviting them and ask if they wish to come. It would support Mom in coming out of the gay parent closet.
As things stand, it wouldn't work for you to attend. It would be an in-your-face abusive communication to her Mom.
Thank you, Gabby
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