This tip is one of the most thoughtful long-lasting wedding gifts you can give a couple. It's about supporting everyone concerned in having mutually satisfying supportive relationships. However, the tip only works if both wedding partners have included a fidelity agreement in their vows. After you have read this tip read about the Fidelity Agreement.
Overview:
The Wedding Guest Vow supports open, honest, and responsible communication, zero blaming or significant* withholds. It presumes that you, a relative/friend/guest of one or both wedding partners, are willing to accept responsibility for the effects of your leadership-communication skills. It’s a given that all concerned agree that all communications (verbal, non-verbal, psychic, and physical), whether consciously or unconsciously delivered (purposefully/accidentally) have an effect.
Print/copy, date, sign and present to the bride and groom each their own copy of the Wedding Guest Vow (you may reword it).
- Wedding Guest Vow:
I promise to be available for clearing/facilitating communication throughout your relationship. In return, I'm asking you to agree to call me, or another wedding guest, the first time an upset or an experience of abuse is not acknowledged** and resolved responsibly through to mutual satisfaction within 72-hours. This includes calling me the first time you have reoccurring thoughts about cheating or divorcing. It would not feel good (it would be abusive) to hear from someone else that you have caused cheating or that you are divorced.
By accepting this vow you are agreeing to be supported in communicating problems responsibly, from cause, rather than from blame.
For example:
- Blame: "He won't answer my questions."
Responsible: "I don't know how to have him answer my questions."
Blame: "She gets angry when I try to make a suggestion."
Responsible: "I don't know how to make suggestions without triggering upset."
Blame: "She stopped being affectionate."
Responsible: "I don't know what I've done to cause her to stop being affectionate."
Blame: "She cheated on me."
Responsible: "Using my leadership-communication skills I drove her into the arms of another."
You have my word that if I experience anything that does not feel good or right between the two of you, directly or from another, I will communicate it verbally to both of you. I will not withhold from either of you any negative judgments or rumors I may hear.
I will ask anyone who communicates negatively about you from whom they heard it. If they refuse to divulge the name of their source I will ask if they’d be willing to tell you to your face what they told me; I’ll also remind them that you’re going to want to know the source. If they say they won’t tell you what they told me I’ll tell them that I'll be telling you what they are passing around.
This Wedding Guest Vow does not mean that you must stay married, only that you will have discussed your first thoughts about separation or divorce with me or another guest prior to effecting a separation/divorce; it does however mean that if you decide to divorce that you will do so amicably, supportively, without blame, and with love.
P.S. Amongst relatives and friends there are no innocent bystanders; the "silent" one, the one that appears to be the "nice/innocent" friend/relative, is unconsciously, non-verbally, intending the friction. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. In other words, if a coach got into communication with "sweet acting" loving-granny, granny would be able to relate dozens of significant thoughts she has withheld from everyone. Grandparents train their child(ren) to lie, deceive and blame.
P.P.S. If you attend a friend's wedding knowing there is deception between the bride and the groom, or between either of them and their parents or another, you are condoning (supporting) deception, in which case the couple's relationship is doomed to mediocrity—in part, because friendship with you does not inspire honesty.
Do we have an agreement? - Blame: "He won't answer my questions."
You may copy/print any portion of this tip providing you acknowledge the source, "Dear Gabby," "Community Communications," or "Kerry."
With aloha,
Gabby
Note: If you don't want to give a couple this gift then letting them know your reasons will be of immense value for all concerned.
* "significant:" A thought is considered significant if sharing it "verbally" would cause upset/anger. Fleeting non-recurring thoughts are not withholds. Note: We are always communicating our withholds non-verbally; withholds serve as barriers to the experience of communication, of love, of manifesting our stated intentions.
** Acknowledged/unacknowledged: When you communicate abusively it's your responsibility to acknowledge (soonest) to your partner that you know it was abusive. If you didn't hear yourself having communicated abusively then you will eventually set it up for your partner to remind you, to give you feedback. If your partner communicates (verbally or non-verbally), "That doesn't feel good" and you don't communicate, "I get that it was abusive," it reveals that you are in denial. A valid test for abuse is the recipient's experience. For example: Ask, "How did that feel?" Someone stuck in abuse (abusing or being abused) is most always in denial (usually they will deny that abuse took place). An abuse addict will argue or get angry when the "victim" communicates, "That didn't feel good." Invariably the abuser will blame the recipient for starting the specific abuse in question. In a relationship in which abuse takes place regularly there are no "victims," only consenting sparring partners. All divorces began on the first date when both partners (at the very same time) withheld a deal-breaking thought from the other. Both brought their addictions to withholding (to deception) and to blaming into the relationship.
Conversely, if you, using your leadership-communication skills, set it up (create space for, non-verbally grant permission) for your partner to communicate abusively and you don't insist that he/she acknowledge the abuse then you are beginning to accumulate reasons for a divorce. Extremely important: If you let even one abuse go unacknowledged, it reveals that you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce; you'll find yourself talking about that abuse from blame to someone during the divorce process, or later, with your next partner. Abuses most always start with condescending "put-down" remarks, often masked as humor. I.e. "Nice going klutz." "Christ, that was smart." "What the hell are you doing? I told you..." To support it non-verbally, silently, compounds the disrespect that triggered the condescending remark.
Last edited 1/4/24
