Hi Secure . . .: This is a wake up call; we don't know for what reason, just that something's out integrity-wise. People who are clear about their purpose in life, those who are operating with, and from, integrity, have no time, space, or need to create such drama. If something like this does come up they handle it within a few conversations. They do what it takes (without fear) to get to the source of the problem.

For example: Within minutes of receiving such a letter I would be on the phone, "Hi Possible Letter Writer: I just received a letter that states . . ..  My paranoid mind is calling around trying to find someone who might have an idea who sent it?" [Her response would let you know if your suspicions are correct. I.e. Angry, defensive, sincerely helpful, etc.?]  Your husband would ask his friend the same question. You of course, for several reasons, cannot do what I'd do. Reasons serve as barriers to the experience of communication, of love.

A spouse who is on purpose with his/her marriage and life, one who operates with integrity, does not attract "interest" nor would they karmically warrant/deserve such a spiteful letter. The love and commitment is so obvious it's ludicrous for another to even think those thoughts around such a spouse; such relationships are often looked upon with respect and admiration. An analogy might be the inappropriateness and futility of flirting with the Pope.

As a recovering "flirt" addict I can vouch that it takes considerable introspection and an incredible number of truthful conversations so as to be able to choose to simply be—without (accidentally/unconsciously) adding confusing non-verbal withholds, mixed messages, or hidden agendas. When younger, someone pointed out that I winked at most girls. Although I was usually aware of it I hadn't realized its significance nor did I consider it sexist; I never winked at men. Later, with one relationship, I was continually accused of cheating but knew I hadn't; after we split I discovered that I had been trolling "winking" for the next relationship, unawares that I had been unconsciously masterminding a divorce, therefore I had been being "nice" to all potential women (I.e. psychic cheating—which my now ex-wife had picked up on from my aura).

A "prowler" can tell, within a seemingly innocent interaction, if their "target" is open to flirtatious dancing, to possibilities, to foreplay. The slightest, almost imperceptible, micro-facial tell from the target grants permission for more flirting. Quite often a prowler fishes with innuendos and double entendre humor. I.e. "Nice bat." "I like the way you swing." etc. A married person committed to integrity is more awake and therefore has better access to all of his/her senses; they can intuit what's happening and nip it in the bud (and, most importantly, later share the flirting interaction with his/her spouse). My point being, your husband sent or is sending some signals—the communications may be unconscious facial micro-muscle movements (as in a gambling "tell"). However, through coaching, a person who has nothing to hide can be supported in acknowledging having caused/supported the flirtatious communications. A typical knee-jerk reaction such as, "I swear I didn't do anything" invalidates ones natural loving magnetic presence and its effects [everyone one wants to spend time around truly loving people]. The realization of an unconscious addiction to flirting can be a transformational experience; it always reveals withholds. Such a person (once transformed) can become an excellent enroller for social change.

There is a communication model (a way of interacting) called Intentional Communication; it ain't taught in schools. It begins with a willingness to communicate responsibly, openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero significant thoughts withheld; this agreement between couples precludes thousands of breakdowns in communication. Couples who agree to use this communication model are willing to look at such "interest" communications from the point of view that both partners (yes both) did in fact intend the interest and the letter—however unconscious they may have been—given that's the results they produced with their leadership-communication skills. This means that you would have to be willing to look at this incident from your cause. What on earth could you be up to that you would unconsciously mastermind such a bizarre incident? The answer is there if you're willing to look. Often one doesn't discover, until after the divorce, that all along they had been unconsciously masterminding a divorce (possibly covertly manipulating their partner to initiate the divorce). All "victims" of cheating can, with coaching, recall the specific deceitful communication of theirs that caused the disrespectful abusive cheating—deceit always begins on the first date.

Power is the rate of speed at which you create, have, and complete a problem; a person committed to being complete, a person of integrity, would simply call the suspect immediately or possibly invite the couple over for coffee. They'd show them the letter, ask for help, and communicate their curiosity and concern for everyone in the community. Someone (along with you) is reaching out for help. Four minds have a better chance of figuring out what's going on. That a "coffee chat" solution hasn't taken place indicates that there's more in the space than you've been willing to acknowledge. Of course you'd have to be willing to verbally acknowledge your withholds and judgments about her to her.  I assure you the letter sender's partner knows something is wrong with their relationship, that they too have been intending this. A coffee-chat experience would validate his suspicions, and, give him an opportunity to acknowledge his intentions, his cause in the matter. I.e. Imagine how unconscious one must be to be to not know your partner (or your child, as with the Columbine incident) is withholding a significant thought from you?  —Thanks, Gabby

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Last edited 10/18/22

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