This post was accidentally deleted and now restored. The letter was posted by J1966.
In the past I've always noticed that my husband talks to me like I'm young, but I've also wondered if it's just my own insecurity, being younger by 8 years.
Lately, though, he seems just plain miserable, always having SOMETHING to complain about. Plus, twice in the past 3 weeks, I've had two women (don't know each other) tell me that their feelings were hurt. When I would ask, both have said the same thing: It isn't what he SAID; it's the WAY he said it. I tried to bring it up to him both times, but he got defensive, saying "I never said anything out of the way to them." Truth is, he didn't, and I don't know how to explain to him, without getting him more defensive, about communication.
Is there some way I can help him? If not, is there a way that I can explain to these ladies that it isn't that he is looking down at them, but just part of his personality? (That sounds almost worse!)
Thanks in advance,
J1966
Can I help rude husband?
Hi J1966:
I get your sincerity. Your letter is well written; it reveals that you are fast becoming conscious.
You don’t say how long you’ve been married but it appears that you are coping fairly well. That is to say, you may be able to maintain the relationship as it is for a while longer—until you heal you. I think it’s safe to say that had you been as conscious back when you first met him that you would have recognized that he is addicted to abuse, and that you would not have married him. Nothing you can do or say can change him. It’s your leadership-communication skills (even your very presence) that rewards and trains him to be this way. He doesn't even have a choice to keep a promise that he will not do it anymore. His mind simply takes over and as you've noticed, it's so bad that he can't even see it.
Re: “(That sounds almost worse!)” Yes, making excuses for him is called denial. How lucky you are to have such candid friends.
What you can do now is immerse yourself in some kind of self-awareness therapy/counseling/support group. One for someone addicted to enabling would work well. Not you and him just you, alone. If you attend support groups meeting once a week for a year you will develop the confidence and leadership communication-skills it will take to complete this for the both of you in a mutually satisfying supportive way. The key is to complete your relationship with your parents.
Eventually you will discover that you also are addicted to abusing and being abused. Like an alcoholic, you and he are in denial. The test for abuse is always the recipient. “How did that feel?” It’s never ever what I think or think I meant. The proof of ones intentions, however unconscious they may have been, is the result.
You are what’s referred to as an enabler. You invalidate the wisdom of all the women who dated him and dumped him because he was abusive. Back then you had no choice. You were unconscious. You were drawn to him because he mirrors that which you need to address in order to be whole and complete. He will never ever address his addiction until he sets up life to be alone, even then he may go to his grave miserable. We don’t know the source of his anger and the degree to which he is committed to making sure his parents fail in raising a healthy happy supportive person.
He can’t feel good knowing the way he treats you. He’s stuck in bully and you're stuck in setting him up to bully you. The more you support him in being condescending and verbally abusive the less respect he has for you. At some level he holds himself in contempt for being incapable of treating you respectfully, as such he unconsciously holds you in contempt for putting up with such treatment. He had hoped that marrying such a loving person as you would have melted away his anger and effected the experience of love. I suspect that either your parents or a friend did not approve of him at the very beginning. It could be you are experiencing the consequences of your self-righteous arrogance, thinking that what call love could change him.
If you don’t get support for you you’ll have to escalate the abuse. Eventually you’ll set it up for him to hit you or you’ll get sick or cause a failure so as to try and change his behavior.
What will happen as you locate the incompletes that trained you to produce these results is you will begin to become clear about responsibility, and your cause in his behavior. It could be said that you empower him to be rude to others. As time goes by you will notice his and your abuse as a conscious woman would have, and you actually did notice, when you first met him. You will begin to think and communicate appropriately, as you would have back then.
He simply hasn’t destroyed enough relationships for him to be motivated to heal himself. That he sets you up to tell him he’s abusive and then invalidates you, and that you deny your own experience is proof that you both need equal amounts of therapy/counseling. Stated responsibility it goes like this: You set him up to be abusive so that you can then tell him he's abusive so as to cause him to invalidate you. Can you see your addiction to blame and make-wrong? You are underestimating your own power. A person who is whole and complete would simply not hang around someone stuck in abuse. You are unconsciously masterminding the abuse to satisfy your addiction, to get your daily fix of abuse.
Visit an old folks home and you’ll see all the unhappy parents who refused to get help early on and who set up life to be estranged, such is the power of the mind to want to be right that it is not stuck in abuse.
Read as much as you can about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. Do show your husband and friends our communications.
Yours is a wonderful post because millions have the same problem.
Check back in a few days. More might come up for me —Gabby
Here's more: Notice that your friends badmouthed him behind his back. A conscious person would have said, as he was being rude, "That doesn't feel good." Instead of having the integrity to tell him to his face, they badmouthed him to you. Your friends mirror you. You supported them in badmouthing him instead of saying, "Have you told him what you just told me?"
I get your sincerity. Your letter is well written; it reveals that you are fast becoming conscious.
You don’t say how long you’ve been married but it appears that you are coping fairly well. That is to say, you may be able to maintain the relationship as it is for a while longer—until you heal you. I think it’s safe to say that had you been as conscious back when you first met him that you would have recognized that he is addicted to abuse, and that you would not have married him. Nothing you can do or say can change him. It’s your leadership-communication skills (even your very presence) that rewards and trains him to be this way. He doesn't even have a choice to keep a promise that he will not do it anymore. His mind simply takes over and as you've noticed, it's so bad that he can't even see it.
Re: “(That sounds almost worse!)” Yes, making excuses for him is called denial. How lucky you are to have such candid friends.
What you can do now is immerse yourself in some kind of self-awareness therapy/counseling/support group. One for someone addicted to enabling would work well. Not you and him just you, alone. If you attend support groups meeting once a week for a year you will develop the confidence and leadership communication-skills it will take to complete this for the both of you in a mutually satisfying supportive way. The key is to complete your relationship with your parents.
Eventually you will discover that you also are addicted to abusing and being abused. Like an alcoholic, you and he are in denial. The test for abuse is always the recipient. “How did that feel?” It’s never ever what I think or think I meant. The proof of ones intentions, however unconscious they may have been, is the result.
You are what’s referred to as an enabler. You invalidate the wisdom of all the women who dated him and dumped him because he was abusive. Back then you had no choice. You were unconscious. You were drawn to him because he mirrors that which you need to address in order to be whole and complete. He will never ever address his addiction until he sets up life to be alone, even then he may go to his grave miserable. We don’t know the source of his anger and the degree to which he is committed to making sure his parents fail in raising a healthy happy supportive person.
He can’t feel good knowing the way he treats you. He’s stuck in bully and you're stuck in setting him up to bully you. The more you support him in being condescending and verbally abusive the less respect he has for you. At some level he holds himself in contempt for being incapable of treating you respectfully, as such he unconsciously holds you in contempt for putting up with such treatment. He had hoped that marrying such a loving person as you would have melted away his anger and effected the experience of love. I suspect that either your parents or a friend did not approve of him at the very beginning. It could be you are experiencing the consequences of your self-righteous arrogance, thinking that what call love could change him.
If you don’t get support for you you’ll have to escalate the abuse. Eventually you’ll set it up for him to hit you or you’ll get sick or cause a failure so as to try and change his behavior.
What will happen as you locate the incompletes that trained you to produce these results is you will begin to become clear about responsibility, and your cause in his behavior. It could be said that you empower him to be rude to others. As time goes by you will notice his and your abuse as a conscious woman would have, and you actually did notice, when you first met him. You will begin to think and communicate appropriately, as you would have back then.
He simply hasn’t destroyed enough relationships for him to be motivated to heal himself. That he sets you up to tell him he’s abusive and then invalidates you, and that you deny your own experience is proof that you both need equal amounts of therapy/counseling. Stated responsibility it goes like this: You set him up to be abusive so that you can then tell him he's abusive so as to cause him to invalidate you. Can you see your addiction to blame and make-wrong? You are underestimating your own power. A person who is whole and complete would simply not hang around someone stuck in abuse. You are unconsciously masterminding the abuse to satisfy your addiction, to get your daily fix of abuse.
Visit an old folks home and you’ll see all the unhappy parents who refused to get help early on and who set up life to be estranged, such is the power of the mind to want to be right that it is not stuck in abuse.
Read as much as you can about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. Do show your husband and friends our communications.
Yours is a wonderful post because millions have the same problem.
Check back in a few days. More might come up for me —Gabby
Here's more: Notice that your friends badmouthed him behind his back. A conscious person would have said, as he was being rude, "That doesn't feel good." Instead of having the integrity to tell him to his face, they badmouthed him to you. Your friends mirror you. You supported them in badmouthing him instead of saying, "Have you told him what you just told me?"